The Whole Vampire Thing
by Aryennae
Summary: Kíli knows and accepts the fact that his boyfriend is a vampire. His family does not.


**Author's Note: This is not polished, just to let you know. Plus, it is lazy writing on my behalf, so that goes hand in hand with not being polished.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

His mother had been right. She had always been right.

He was reckless.

Kíli was the most reckless person he knew. Just the fact that he was in this overly dangerous mess proved it. He should have stepped away the first time anything looked remotely suspicious, but he didn't. No, he pursued it with enthusiasm, because the intangible danger was not yet truly apparent.

And he had found himself in a relationship with a vampire.

His uncle would _kill_ him.

It wasn't that Kíli was an overzealous teenage girl who dreamed of abusive romantic escapades with a sparkling vampire. If he were to get technical, that was exactly what his whole situation wasn't. No, this vampire didn't sparkle and didn't even dress properly; he dressed like he was homeless.

Which wasn't attractive in the slightest. At least, that had been what Kíli'd tried to convince himself of.

Still, it remained that Kíli hadn't _purposely_ ended up in bed with a bloodsucking monster. Numerous times. It was a complete accident.

Okay, perhaps not so much of an accident as he'd have liked to think.

The first time, the bloodsucking monster part of the deal was an actual accident. Kíli truly had not intended on sleeping with the first monster who had compatible anatomy that he met.

Truthfully, he hadn't known about the whole _vampire_ thing until he met up with the man again a week after they first met. The way he'd found out was particularly frightening, but Kíli took the information as tactfully as he could—read, he avoided running out as fast as possible, screaming—and had become slightly more comfortable with it in the past month and a half.

If Fíli knew, he would _kill_ him.

They, being Kíli and Mitchell, had started seeing each other regularly, with weekly Saturday night dinner dates to a variety of restaurants—though some of these places were not restaurants at all, but fast food chains. Once Kíli had started to accept the whole 'I'm a vampire and I've killed people but now I resist the temptation to drink blood to the best of my ability' bit, he'd definitely grown accustomed to the coolness of Mitchell's skin and the fact that their kisses were a bit chilled and tingly.

Kíli had also been over to Mitchell's house that he shared with two of his friends, one of which was a ghost while the other was a werewolf. That information did not startle him nearly as much as the vampire thing, mostly due to the difference of how he found out about their respective… traits. With George and Annie, well, Mitchell had told him upfront once he'd found out about Mitchell's own vampirism in a, well, startling manner.

Nonetheless, being in a house filled with mugs of cold tea and several supernatural creatures became a Sunday morning ritual for Kíli.

On a particular Sunday, he found himself bleary-eyed, walking down the stairs in a fashion that would be described as less than elegant.

He'd had quite the night with Mitchell, and they hadn't gotten to Mitchell's place until eleven. Then, of course, there had been activities that kept them awake until well into the early hours of the morning.

So Kíli'd gotten out of the bed that Mitchell had already left and started his journey down the stairway.

He knew his hair was messed up, and most definitely had a giant knot in the back, but he couldn't bring himself to care too much.

When he entered the kitchen, he saw Annie, busying herself with her usual hobby of making tea she couldn't even drink.

"Hello," Kíli said. It was the most he could bring himself to speak in the way of morning pleasantries.

Annie whipped around. "Oh, hello!" she replied, a smile brightening her face. She certainly was cheerful as always. "George and Mitchell ran to the store to get some milk, but they'll be back," she supplied, as though she could read Kíli's mind.

"Okay," he said, sitting down at the down at the kitchen table and absently grabbing a mug of tea. Annie must have just made it; it was still warm.

Kíli wasn't paying much attention to the tangent Annie went on; rather, he drank his tea and thought about nothing. Somewhere in between the tangent he was only half-hearing about decibel levels and soundproofed rooms, his phone vibrated in his pocket.

He'd forgotten to take his phone out of his pocket before his jeans were discarded on the floor the night before. Of course, he hadn't noticed it when he pulled them back on before heading downstairs, either. Kíli sighed and reached into the denim pocket, pulling out the touchscreen phone.

The vibration had been to inform him of a text. A text from his brother.

_Where are you?_ it read.

Fíli really had the worst timing when it came to texting.

Kíli rolled his eyes, though Annie didn't notice due to her still being on her metaphorical soapbox. He wasn't really feel cooperative, having just woken up to a ghost and her rants.

_In Australia._ he texted back.

With that, he placed his phone on the table and rested his head on his forearms, burying his face with a groan.

It wasn't that his family—i.e. Fíli and Thorin—didn't know he was seeing someone. Well, okay, they didn't know he was seeing someone, but it wasn't like it was some big secret. The bit about his boyfriend being a vampire was. The bit about him being, well, a him was. The last bit was actually more unknown than a secret; it wasn't like Kíli didn't want his brother and uncle to know. It was just that it hadn't really come up.

And Kíli was pulled out of his thoughts by a repeating vibration from his phone.

He pulled his head up just slightly, glancing at the phone's screen. Another text from Fíli. Wonderful.

_Please._ it said, and Kíli could hear the evident sarcasm. Though Fíli wasn't pushing the issue of where he really was, he obviously didn't believe the answer concerning Australia. Not that Kíli expected him to, because it'd been an answer Kíli had given to everything he didn't want to answer since they were children.

Groaning, Kíli tapped out a reply. _I'm out. Be home soon. _It was the technical truth, after all.

After flinging his phone back onto the table, Kíli heard the door unlatch. It perked him right up, more than Annie's tea had, at any rate.

"We're back," Kíli could hear George announce.

"With milk," Mitchell added.

"Great!" Annie said, whirling around, her mood completely reversed from what it had been just seconds before.

Mitchell entered the kitchen and yanked open the refrigerator, heaving the gallon of milk into the side of the door. "George insisted we buy extra," he commented, explaining the reason for the larger-than-usual container of milk.

"Don't you go blaming what you're buying on me," George retorted, carrying in a carton of eggs.

"It's not blaming if it's true," Mitchell said with a teasing grin, his cheerful air permeating the room.

"And how are you this morning, Kíli?" he asked, stepping over to Kíli and wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

Kíli smiled widely, the smile shining in his eyes. He definitely felt more awake than before. "I'm good," he replied, brushing his own fingers over Mitchell's. "My brother's been bothering me about where I am, but that's Fíli for you."

Mitchell gave him a quick kiss before heading back to the fridge and pulling out an egg from the brand new carton. "Anyone up for some breakfast?"

* * *

Breakfast was good; it was better than Uncle Thorin's ever was, at any rate. Kíli's uncle liked to believe he could cook, and Kíli and Fíli never brought it up that he couldn't, but that didn't make the food taste any better.

After the wonderful breakfast, Kíli took to sitting on the single sofa beside Mitchell, leaning on his shoulder as some random television program played. Kíli didn't know how engrossed Mitchell was in it, but as far as he was concerned, it was boring. And he didn't even know what it was.

The pocket against Mitchell vibrated, and it distracted the vampire from the TV. "Your phone?" he suggested, looking at Kíli.

Kíli wriggled to get his hand in between him and Mitchell, pulling his phone out of his pocket. "Yeah," he breathed, reading the text headline: Uncle.

_We know about your tryst that you're currently involved in. There's no need to hide it. However, we would like to meet this significant other._

It was demanding, yet more tactful than his uncle usually was. Balin probably helped Thorin with the wording.

Kíli sighed and relaxed heavily against Mitchell. No. His family could not possibly meet his boyfriend. Not to mention that there probably wouldn't be strictly family. No, it's wouldn't be just Fíli and Thorin. Bilbo would be there, most surely, though as Uncle's quite serious lover, he was considered family anyway. But no, Dwalin would be there, and probably Balin. Those two being there would mean the rest of the company would know, and if Glóin was there, then Gimlí would also attend. Fifteen people—sixteen, if Gandalf felt like trolling him, too—crowding around him and Mitchell was the very last thing Kíli needed on his plate. Not that he had really anything on his plate to begin with, but still.

"Something the matter?" Mitchell asked in response to Kíli's reaction.

"My…" Kíli sighed, unsure how to phrase what he was trying to say. "My family says they want to meet you."

Mitchell looked thoughtful for a brief momentí before smiling at the dwarf. "I don't see a problem with that. When am I seeing them?"

Kíli raised his eyebrows. It wasn't that he thought Mitchell wouldn't like to meet his family; he knew the vampire would very much like to meet new people. What he was unsure about was the whole vampire thing. Mitchell was only able to keep it from him for a week, and that was when they only saw each other in weekly intervals.

There was a part of Kíli that knew Mitchell would be able to keep his thing on the downlow, but his family was entirely too curious, much like himself. With his luck, they'd press Mitchell with questions he very well could not answer, and then all would be revealed. And Kíli didn't even want to know what his uncle would think of him being with a vampire. He'd had a complete hissy fit when Kíli had dated an elf his senior year of high school, and elves were harmless.

"Well?" Mitchell pressed, and Kíli realized he hadn't given Mitchell an answer.

"Do you really want to meet them?" Kíli said, knowing he'd have to pull at straws. "They're really loud, and my uncle is really, really rude. Plus, my uncle's boyfriend is a complete nut, he keeps things with holes in them and calls them doilies. And my brother is crazy, too. He carries like, fifty knives."

The excuses were terrible, but it was the best Kíli could do in a pinch.

"You know I like loud," Mitchell said with a smirk. Kíli looked down at his lap with a smile; he knew very well what Mitchell was hinting at.

"We're all very aware of that!" Annie shouted from the kitchen, causing both Kíli and Mitchell to snicker.

"But, no, you don't understand," Kíli said as he stopped laughing. "They're the bad kind of loud."

"I'm sure they're great."

"They're really not."

"You're related to them, aren't you?" Mitchell pointed out. "That makes them excellent people."

Kíli ignored the compliment and fell into the sofa, defeated. "You really want to meet them?" he asked, lifting only his head to look at his vampiric boyfriend.

"Yeah, I really do," Mitchell said, nodding his head with that smile on his face that Kíli loved so much.

Fine. If Mitchell was sure that he could keep his secret a secret, and handle the obnoxiousness of Kíli's family and still want to be with Kíli afterwards, then Kíli would let him meet the insane dwarrows and hobbit he called his family. It was Mitchell stepping into it, after all. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

_Yeah, Uncle. We'll see you tonight._

* * *

"I still don't think this is the best idea." Kíli approached the door to the house, Mitchell beside him.

The house looked foreboding, not at all like it did when he would come home from university after a long day and lay about on the couch, watching TV. The house where he and Fíli lived with their uncle always looked inviting. This occasion appeared to be an exception.

"Relax. It'll be fine. I'll behave," Mitchell assured jokingly, knocking on the heavy door. Kíli resisted the urge to grimace in a unconvinced manner.

Mitchell caressed his face in what Kíli assumed was supposed to be a comforting manner, but it only caused the dread in his stomach to increase. He smiled, a fake smile that didn't reach his eyes, and had to work even harder to keep the smile when Mitchell knocked on the door. It only served to make the dread multiply exponentially.

There was a clatter from inside before scrambling was heard and the door opened to reveal a more-disheveled-than-usual Bilbo. Of course Uncle had invited him over; Kíli had known it would happen.

"Bilbo!" Kíli greeted, his feigned enthusiasm reaching a peak. "How great it is to see you!"

Bilbo, however, looked confused by Kíli's reaction to his presence. "You saw me yesterday, Kíli," he said, questioning the sanity of his boyfriend's nephew. Then again, that was something he did on an almost daily basis.

"Yeah!" Kíli said, his fake excitement painfully obvious.

"Right," Bilbo said incredulously. He finally spared a glance for Mitchell. "You must be Kíli's boyfriend."

"Yeah, that's right," Mitchell said, charm seeping through every single word. Kíli couldn't be irritated; that charm was what landed him in bed with Mitchell in the first place.

"Charmed," Bilbo said, no sarcasm in his tone like there commonly was. "Come in, both of you. Thorin's in the den."

Mitchell smiled at Kíli, as though he were saying 'see, it'll all be fine'. Kíli only swallowed thickly and hoped the whole introducing-the-boyfriend-to-the-family thing went over well.

They both walked to the den while Biblo went back to the kitchen, presumably to get them both tea. Kíli mumbled a comment about how Mitchell's housemate would never quit making tea, to which Mitchell only let out a short, soft laugh.

"Kíli, aren't you going to introduce us to this?" Thorin spoke as soon as the two lovers entered the room. Obviously Uncle had recovered from the more tasteful text he'd sent earlier.

Thankfully, Mitchell didn't seem to mind being referred to as 'this'. Or if he did, he didn't say anything or give Kíli any sign that he did mind. "Um, Uncle," Kíli started, shifting on his feet. Thorin hadn't even let him sit down before demanding an introduction. Rude.

"This is Mitchell." His name rolled off Kíli's tongue perfectly. "Mitchell, this is my uncle, Thorin."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Mitchell said with his grin, extending his hand.

"It's good to _finally_ meet you," Thorin replied gruffly. "Kíli hasn't made any mentions of you. How long have you two been seeing each other."

Mitchell clicked his tongue as though he actually had to think about it. "Month and a half, I think," he said. "Right?" he asked, looking at Kíli.

Kíli nodded eagerly in agreement. He couldn't help but be concerned about the expression on his uncle's face, though. Not that it looked all that much different than normal, but there's was just something Thorin wasn't saying.

"You were with this man for a month without telling us?" There it was. He sounded borderline pissed, but with Thorin, that was ultra-pissed.

Mitchell opened his mouth to say something, but quickly closed it when Kíli spoke up.

"Yes, Uncle. I wasn't sure if it would work out at first, so I didn't say anything because I didn't want you all to baby me if it didn't." Kíli shrugged. It wasn't the real reason, but it was close enough and believable.

"You should have at least told me, regardless," Thorin stated. Well, he was being more lenient than he typically was.

Kíli let out a breath, somewhat defeated. "Alright, alright. I was wrong to not tell you, and I'll do it next time."

While Thorin looked mildly satisfied with the answer, Mitchell looked at Kíli with faux surprise. "Next time? Why, I didn't know you were insisting on replacing me this soon!"

Kíli was about to protest when Mitchell broke into a smile. "I'm just teasing you," he said good-heartedly.

"I knew that," Kíli replied with a wave of his arm.

"Dinner is ready," Bilbo said, walking into the living room. "Will someone get Fíli?"

"I will," Kíli volunteered.

He went down the hallway to the bedrooms while Thorin, Biblo, and Mitchell all went into the dining room. Kíli could hear his boyfriend say, "This all looks wonderful, thanks," which caused him to smile goofily. Though usually charming, Mitchell was trying to crank it up to ninety on this occasion.

Kíli knocked on Fíli's bedroom door. "Fee! We're gonna eat," he informed, and the blond immediately appeared at the door, opening it harshly.

"Finally. Bilbo's been cooking all afternoon. It smells great," Fíli said, stepping out to walk alongside his brother back to the dining room.

The brothers reached the dining room, Fíli taking a seat next to their uncle and Kíli sitting in between his uncle and Mitchell.

"No one else is coming?" Kíli asked, scooping himself an overly large spoonful of mashed potatoes.

"No. Who else would be coming?" Bilbo asked, promptly taking the mashed potato bowl away from him.

Kíli gave the entire table a glance that clearly stated, 'Really?' However, he resigned with a simple, "No one. I don't know."

Mitchell gave him a sympathetic look, as sympathetic as a vampire could look. Kíli gave him a small smile before Thorin cleared his throat loudly.

"So, Mitchell," Thorin said, trying out the name. "What is your line of work?"

"Oh, I work at the hospital," Mitchell replied, gesturing over his shoulder. "It's not the best line of work, but it pays the bills."

Fíli looked questioningly at Kíli before turning to Mitchell and asking, "A doctor? That's a prestigious line of work. What are you talking about?"

Kíli had an expression of exasperation, and Mitchell patted him on the shoulder. "No, I'm not a doctor."

"Of course. No self-respecting doctor would dress like that," Thorin interjected, and Kíli desperately wanted to glare at his uncle. "He looks more like a homeless man than a doctor."

"I'm a cleaner," Mitchell explained. "A janitor, you could say. I clean up puke for a living," he finished with a laugh.

Bilbo's eyes darted down to his own food, and something told Kíli that Mitchell's career probably wasn't the best thing to discuss at the dinner table.

"Well," Thorin started, breaking the two-second long silence. It was clear that he did not know what to say, which was rather surprising. "Where do you live? Something tells me Kíli knows all too well."

Kíli flushed lightly out of embarrassment. Apparently, his family would rather discuss his sex life than puke. Fabulous.

"Downtown. Me and my flatmates rent a place." Mitchell said, cutting the piece of roast on his plate.

"Ah," Thorin said with faux interest. He then turned his attention to his nephew. "Kíli," he started. "You've met these flatmates, haven't you?"

"Yes, Uncle," Kíli answered, disinterested and playing with the peas that had somehow found their way onto his plate despite him not wanting them there.

"Are they... like him?" Thorin continued.

"No," Kíli said, taking a bite of mashed potatoes. He was never too eager to discuss things where his uncle was constantly giving out judgments, and this was apparently going to be one of those things.

Thorin appeared as though he was going to press furthur, but Mitchell jumped in to answer the question properly. "My best friend, George, lives with me. He's... neurotic," he supplied, his tone cheerful. "And a girl named Annie lives with us, too. She is one of the nicest people you could meet."

Mitchell was spot-on with his descriptions, and Thorin seemed to be mildly satisfied with the answer. Like, barely satisfied. Bare minimum. Kíli knew that he'd be pestered after Mitchell left.

Bilbo passed the steamed peas to Mitchell with a "would you like some?" attached. Being polite, Mitchell took a spoonful, trying his best not to do so with reluctance.

"Kíli studies environmental science at the university," Fíli said, when no one else seemed to have anything to say. "And he's number one on the male archery team they have."

"He knows, Fee."

"He's right, I know. But it was great of you to think of telling me anyway." Mitchell smiled at the blond.

"Oh, yeah, I should've figured you'd know." Fíli started in on his mashed potatoes and remained silent.

The rest of the actual dinner was rather uneventful. Most of it was eating, and when seven o'clock rolled around, Mitchell announced it was time for his departure.

Kíli kissed him goodbye and the rest of the household said goodbye and that it was nice meeting him. Well, the latter part was only done by Bilbo, but whatever.

As soon as Mitchell's car started and pulled out of the driveway, Kíli rounded on his uncle.

"What the hell, Uncle?" Kíli demanded, eyebrows knit. Normally, he was as respectful as he possibly could be towards his thick-headed uncle, but Kíli felt his uncle's actions had been worse than normal.

Thorin, however, simply stood by the den's fireplace and stared into it, his 'I'm brooding' expression coating his face.

"Your boyfriend looks just like you," Kíli heard Fíli say from the den entrance.

Kíli turned around sharply with a frown. "No, he doesn't," he snapped, redirecting himself back to his uncle.

"Why were you so rude to him? Mitchell hasn't done anything to you." Kíli could not formulate how upset he was into words.

"Kíli," Thorin started sternly, facing away from the fire and towards his worked-up nephew. "When are you going to learn? First an elf, now this _man_-"

Kíli interrupted him. "Excuse me? Says the one who's fucking a hobbit!" he shouted. His impulsive side certainly showed itself when he was pissed off.

Thorin's lips pursed and his eyes glared, and Kíli could feel Fíli silently wince for him. "We are not discussing my life. We are discussing yours."

A mirthless laugh escaped Kíli. "But I think your life should apply, shouldn't it? You shouldn't ask me not to do stuff you do."

"Hypocrite is the word you're looking for," Fíli muttered behind him.

"You don't see me running around, having sexual relations with elves and men," Thorin replied harshly, his voice enough to make Kíli inwardly cringe.

Between Fíli's looks of sympathy at his back and the cringing, and Bilbo coming into the den to ask what all the yelling was about and why Kíli insisted on shouting his and Thorin's private business to the whole house, Kíli made a fatal error. Kíli said something he shouldn't have said. Kíli dropped the bombshell.

"Oh, yeah?" Kíli dared, challenging his uncle. "I'm not getting _fucked_ by any _man_ either, Uncle." There was a smirk crossing his face, his expression twisted in the stubborn way only a Durin could display.

"Whatever are you on about?" Bilbo asked, still not caught up on the entire situation and questioning Kíli's choice words.

"There is no way you can convince me the man is a dwarf or anything of the sort," Thorin stated sternly.

Fíli piped up, adding, "Are you crazy? He's clearly a man, Kee."

Let it never be said that Kíli was not reckless. "He's not a man. He's not a dwarf. He's not an elf." Kíli looked directly at Bilbo for the last bit. "He's not a hobbit."

Thorin's fury had subsided, though it was still present, and instead he was growing concerned for his nephew's sanity. "You are being ridiculous," Thorin added, his tone as stern as before but something different driving it.

"No, I'm not," Kíli replied matter-of-factly. Though he sounded calm, he had no idea what he was doing. "I'm serious."

Tentatively, Fíli asked, "What is he then?" If his brother was going crazy, he might as well at least attempt to figure out what it was that Kíli was going crazy over.

With the kind of pride you would see coming from a child announcing they knew what sex was, Kíli said, "A _vampire_."


End file.
